Jolly St. Perk, fashion faux pas and more from NBA Draft night

Paolo Banchero (L), Mark Williams (C) and Malaki Branham (R) pose for photos.

Paolo Banchero (L), Mark Williams (C) and Malaki Branham (R) pose for photos.
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I had last night’s ESPN broadcast of the NBA Draft while cooking dinner, and even with my hands preoccupied with a pot of mac and a big spoon instead of my phone and the internet, I knew Kendrick was going to be Perkins roasted over hot Twitter embers.

It started with calling Paolo Banchero is a hybrid of Michael Beasley-Ben Simmons, which should be encouraging for Magic fans. So he has the game of a No. 1 pick that hasn’t played since a nervous breakdown in the playoffs more than a year ago, and a No. 2 squad that splits time between the NBA and China. Congratulations, Orlando!

At one point, Big Perk said that Chet Holmgren is like Giannis Antetokuonmpo and Kristaps Porzingis had a baby, which sounds more like a joke from Pineapple Express than a qualitative design analysis. If you’re hearing weird stuff and don’t even need social media to tell you that things are going bad, it’s probably worse online.

That last thing you want to do is enga – oh, no Perk, nooooo. Don’t respond to that Desmond Bane tweet. Young people were streamed live to this world.

Bane referring to Perkins as “black Santa” in a conversation about going up a chimney is why, for whatever reason, you don’t “lip box” with generation Zers. When you get angry, they only get happier.

Jabari may have finished third, but his fit came in first

It takes more confidence than I’ll ever have to show up on the most important day of your career – yet – in a purple suit with silver rhinestone tassels on it. Fashion is definitely subjective, so if the #1 pick wants to walk across the stage looking like a moldy grape farmer, let him.

I love the ESPN Twitter feed evaluation of these prospects that they shouldn’t post a bad word about. If Banchero’s fit was “ELITE”, Chet . get the full caps complement “You called Jr.” Holmgren?

Yes, Dracula’s dining room curtains transformed into a suit are indeed STYLISH. The golden dice chain makes him look like a croupier from Transylvania.

If you want a gimmick, at least put it in the suit liner, like Jabari Smith Jr., who wore the cleanest suit of the Top 3 with an Auburn-inspired three-piece suit. with photos of his journey where cameras can’t catch them.

Note how he also chose a tie instead of obnoxious jewelry. That man’s choice of clothing was just as beautiful as his sweater

The “Pornhub Comment Section” award for the thirstiest tweet about a player’s mom

There were a few women who caught the attention of the internet’s foremost experts on making shit awkward. There’s nothing like Twitter coming alive with outbursts of immorality about a prospect’s mother or girlfriend to remind you where many people’s minds are stuck.

The mothers of *redacted* and *redacted* have been the subject of online cat calls and posts in the aftermath, and as much as I’d love to scroll through comments on Barfstool tweets for the hottest pervert, I’d rather dip my genitals in a vat of acid and spend my life as Lord Varys.

Sorry to disappoint those of you who are sick of the roster on SpankBang and are too poor for OnlyFans. You need to open a few more browsers before you unzip your pants.